Dealing with Changes in the Plan

The reason for this rant as I have com to call my thoughts is the thoughtlessness of some people when it comes to changing the plans and then not telling the ones who made the original plans. Here comes the main rant. When you make a plan to go somewhere and you plan out everything about that trip then a person in the group decides to change the plan but doesn't tell you then that is a problem. Here is what happened, I am going on a camping trip with my daughter's girl scout troop. We had a planning meeting to discuss who was going and how we were going to get the gear to the campground. Everything seemed to be set and it looked like things were going to work out just right. We were going to have enough rides and all the gear along with the food and supplies were going to fit into all the cars. Then we show up to do the grocery shopping for the trip and one of the participants just casually mentions that one of the main cars for carrying the equipment is not going to be there. Why this could not have been mentioned a lot sooner I have no idea. Then to leave all the rest of the pieces for our leader to pick up is just plain stupid. I guess to this person preparing ahead is not really an option and thinking about oneself instead of the greater good for the group is not even a thought in the mind. I really don't understand how we could have gotten there if it wasn't for me stepping up and trying to find a solution. You see I didn't feel like it was the leader's total responsibility to handle everything. I think sometimes we mothers take for granted that we have a leader and she is just going to take care of everything. She is only one person and sometimes even she needs a break. I am just really tired of everyone in the troop taking our leader for granted. I think it is time to step up and tell her how important that she really is and how much we really appreciate her. I really feel that this weekend is probably the time to do it. I think in fact that I am going to bring that up to the group and see if we can take some time to tell her how much she is appreciated. I have also come to feel that there are some in the troop who are just really not on board with the way humanity works. You do for people and they do for you. Some people are just out for themselves and could care less about the common good. So I end this rant with one thought, Let's try to appreciate all that a people in our life do for us and thank them each and everyday for the people that they are.

Well, I watched the whole Michael Jackson memorial today and I had a thought. If we do this for just a person then what should we do for God. We make so many excuses as to what we can't do for him. We are too busy, we just don't understand the Bible, or well since we can't see him then he won't notice. Well, I have been thinking a lot about this and I don't know of any time in anyone's life other than Jesus where they died and rose again. God created the universe and everyone that lives on the earth. He all gave us talents and gifts that we can use for his glory. For Michael Jackson, he gave him the talent to sing and entertain. To other people such as me, he gave the gift of empathy and mercy so that I can feel what other people need and provide the emotional support. I just look at all the people who are swooning and going crazy over just a man. How much more can we do for God or how much more should we do for God who died and rose again so that we might live eternally. Thanks be to God the saver of my soul!

Where do you go from your mistakes?

Well, I went through what I would call the last ten years from hell and I have to say that I don't really know if I have truly come out of the last ten years in a good place or a bad place. I think the one thing that I have found to be true is that once you make a mistake one, two, three, four, or even five you can't truly come out from that in a human perspective. Let me explain, I have a problem with money and I feel that I have had this problem since I was about 16. This is when I first got a job and opened up a savings account. I was always looking to what was in there and wishing I could take money out and go shopping. I was always looking for a better job to make more money. I kept it in check until after my first child. I don't know what broke in me but I think I just couldn't keep it in check. I really feel that it was the first credit card that I got. That sense of credit that I could charge now and pay later made me feel that I could just buy whatever I want and then pay for it later. Well, what I didn't quite realize is that once you charge and charge and charge, it gets harder to pay it off. I ran credit cards up without my husbands knowledge, shopped and spent money we didn't have, and eventually took money from an employer that I worked for. I could have gone to jail. To be honest, it is hard to get out of thinking that I am a horrible person who will never be able to change. It also doesn't help to be reminded by everyone of what your faults are. It is just so hard to change and want to move on with life and then just here all the things you did wrong in a list. I want to feel that I have gotten better but to tell you the truth, there are days that I just go backwards and in my old ways and then I have a husband and mother in law who worry and remind me that I have faults and need to watch it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I love my husband and he is my soul mate but I also know that he doesn't trust me. In fact, I feel as if I have committed adultery. I feel as if I am under a microscope everyday and to tell you the truth, I am so tired. The only time I don't feel tired is when I am at school and asleep. I think the reason I am so hard on myself at school to earn good grades and do everything I can is so that I can feel like a success. I want so hard for someone to feel proud of me just once since all the stuff went down. I look at my life and for the first time I just want to be a success. I think the last time I truly felt like I was actually a success is when I got married and was still a virgin. Even after having both of my kids, yes I am proud that I was able to go through labor and not freak out like everyone expected me to, but even then I had so many things go awry. I am just wanting to graduate from this program and be a success. So, I am ending this first blog with a promise to continue to write how I am feeling. I want the world to know especially if there are those who have been through this situation to know that I have been there and continue to go through this. Hang in with me and I will try to work these things out. I feel that a blog is just the right kind of forum for me to start and tell the story of where I have come from and where I intend to go.