Where do you go from your mistakes?

Well, I went through what I would call the last ten years from hell and I have to say that I don't really know if I have truly come out of the last ten years in a good place or a bad place. I think the one thing that I have found to be true is that once you make a mistake one, two, three, four, or even five you can't truly come out from that in a human perspective. Let me explain, I have a problem with money and I feel that I have had this problem since I was about 16. This is when I first got a job and opened up a savings account. I was always looking to what was in there and wishing I could take money out and go shopping. I was always looking for a better job to make more money. I kept it in check until after my first child. I don't know what broke in me but I think I just couldn't keep it in check. I really feel that it was the first credit card that I got. That sense of credit that I could charge now and pay later made me feel that I could just buy whatever I want and then pay for it later. Well, what I didn't quite realize is that once you charge and charge and charge, it gets harder to pay it off. I ran credit cards up without my husbands knowledge, shopped and spent money we didn't have, and eventually took money from an employer that I worked for. I could have gone to jail. To be honest, it is hard to get out of thinking that I am a horrible person who will never be able to change. It also doesn't help to be reminded by everyone of what your faults are. It is just so hard to change and want to move on with life and then just here all the things you did wrong in a list. I want to feel that I have gotten better but to tell you the truth, there are days that I just go backwards and in my old ways and then I have a husband and mother in law who worry and remind me that I have faults and need to watch it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I love my husband and he is my soul mate but I also know that he doesn't trust me. In fact, I feel as if I have committed adultery. I feel as if I am under a microscope everyday and to tell you the truth, I am so tired. The only time I don't feel tired is when I am at school and asleep. I think the reason I am so hard on myself at school to earn good grades and do everything I can is so that I can feel like a success. I want so hard for someone to feel proud of me just once since all the stuff went down. I look at my life and for the first time I just want to be a success. I think the last time I truly felt like I was actually a success is when I got married and was still a virgin. Even after having both of my kids, yes I am proud that I was able to go through labor and not freak out like everyone expected me to, but even then I had so many things go awry. I am just wanting to graduate from this program and be a success. So, I am ending this first blog with a promise to continue to write how I am feeling. I want the world to know especially if there are those who have been through this situation to know that I have been there and continue to go through this. Hang in with me and I will try to work these things out. I feel that a blog is just the right kind of forum for me to start and tell the story of where I have come from and where I intend to go.