Job Searching is a Chore

Well, I have to say I never thought that getting a job would be so hard when I got out of school but I am here sitting having applied for many jobs and still I don't have anything to show for it. The real reason why I am writing this new post is because I just interviewed three times for this job and I really felt positive about my experience. However, I just looked online and found out that my name has been taken off the list. What is so frustrating for me is the fact that I can't seem to get a job no matter how hard that I try. In this day of job searching, the employers don't give you any indication as to how things are going or if they will let you know. It just seems like I am spinning my wheels and I am not moving anywhere. I pray every night to God that he will provide me with a job and I have to trust that he will. I just don't have the patience that it takes to wait it out especially because Christmas is coming and I don't know how I am going to buy for my kids. There are bills to be paid and God only knows how I am going to do this. I just feel extremely useless right now although I am trying hard not to feel that way. I just have to re-focus my energies and try to get some things in order. It is hard but I have to do it for my own sake. I am going to go crazy otherwise.

Hanging In During Tough Times

Well, during these times such as they are one thing that sticks out clear in my mind and that is that we have to stick together. Things just seem to get rougher and rougher with each passing day but two are generally better than one. I have had to find this out the hard way over the years. I tried to do things on my own without my husband but it didn't work. I tried to deal with my married life on my own and tried to handle the finances and you know what, I ended up in the pits literally. With the recession hitting, married couples need to stick together and handle each thing as it comes. I find comfort in the fact that not all my bills may get paid every month but my husband and I are working together to make this family a real family. I am finding that planning things together with my husband is the way to go. We seem to be happier and the times that we spend with our family is truly a blessing. We may not be getting the hours at work or the money in our paycheck but we are learning to deal with this together and I have to say that after all these years that is a very nice thing.

Life Decisions

Well this post is mainly about the decisions that change our lives. This is either for the good or for the bad but there are those times when a decision changes the direction that our life goes in. I once attended a conference were I heard a talk about choice points in our lives. A choice point is a point in which you either chose the right path or the wrong path. It is that once little minute where you make a decision that could make your life easier or send you down the path that might take you many years to ever come back from. I can see those times in my life where I should have made the right decision but chose to take that path. It has since then taken a long time to come back from and I am still fighting to come back to the crossroads. It seems to that the more mistakes that I have made the more I do not want my kids to even make 1/4th of the mistakes that I have made and I will go to many lengths to prevent that from happening. I would love to save them a lot of the heartache that I have experienced. I really try and talk to them about making the right decisions. I know I sure could use a daily reminder of how to actually make a right decision. I do move daily toward actually making and continuing to make to good decisions that help me stay on the correct path. I do have to say too that God helps me and reminds me daily that I need to stay on this straight path. So to all of you who think that you will never be able to make good decisions, take if from someone who knows, you can start to make good decisions. Just realize that when you get to that choice point, listen to your conscience. Do the right thing!

Thanks for the Memories

I have once again received a call about another death in the family but this time it is about my grandfather who has known me since I was born. If I had a grandfather who was away from me or who didn't care for me it would be different but my grandfather was a loving, caring and one of the sweetest men I have ever known. When I was little he used to call me Ms. Tippytoes because I would always walk around on my tip toes. I always knew it was my grandfather because he would start with that. To tell you the truth I am a little numb today because I feel like I am losing another part of my life and I don't deal with change well at all. I just don't want anything to be wrong or go wrong and when it does I feel so out of control. I really try and be realistic that people are born and people die but sometimes it doesn't seem real and I just feel like sometimes those that you love the most are taken from you so quickly. I know we have some control over the way we take care of our bodies but when cancer strikes a person you can pretty much bet that the person who has it won't live for very long especially when it is in its final stages or it has come back. I just want to trust that God always has the best in mind for us but then again I feel that sometimes I don't know what to expect and that is what really scares me. So I say here's to you grandaddy! I love you and I know that you are in a better place. Thank you for all the memories and all the love over the years.

Putting God into a Box

Why do we insist on putting God into a box and telling him what we think he is capable of doing. Due to the events that have transpired within the last year there are a lot of us that are living in a new reality. The economy is still in terrible shape and we are all dealing with the consequences of that. All of us are having to cut back in ways that maybe we haven't had to before. In fact, these cutbacks are not at all comfortable to any of us because maybe we are not used to having to do it. It is funny because a lot of our parents and grandparents had to watch everything that came in and went out and in some instances, they were in pretty bad financial shape. Look how far we have come in recent years. Some of us are not used to the fact that our hours are being cut, our salaries are being slashed, and we are having to take some of the luxuries that we have been able to afford in the past and put them aside for now. We are not used to dealing without. I really think this is a tragedy. I think sometimes we are afraid of being quiet. We are afraid that we might actually hear the voice of God. God is speaking but we can't hear him. There are too many distractions and other things that keep us busy. Even our kids can't hear us through all of the noise. This is really a terrible thing. I am also astonished at how we dictate to God telling him what we think that he is capable of doing. Do we really know what he is capable of? If we were really aware of what God can do would we be able to handle it? I think now is the time to wake up and really trust that God has his best interest at heart for our lives. We can't predict the future or if we will even be here tomorrow. God never promised us tomorrow in fact he never promised us the next minute. We are breathing because God wants us to. We exist because God wants us to. We need to be able to trust His love for us and that he will help us no matter what. We need to focus all of our effort on God and what he has in store for our lives. He will provide all we have to do is ask. So turn off that TV, video game, and phone and concentrate on the one who gave his life for you. That is true love and true freedom. We just need to trust in Him.

Enjoying Nature

I went camping this weekend in the Redwoods near Santa Cruz. It took awhile to get there but once I was there I was so taken aback by the beautiful scenary. Usually you go through a forest and you generally see pine trees who are generally pretty tall but nothing like looking up into the sky and seeing a Redwood tree. It is so tall that it makes you feel like an ant. The one thing I did notice out of this weekend is how much people around you complain instead of just enjoying the camping and the beautiful canvas that God opens up for you. It is like being the part of a painting. Instead people complain about the bugs, the walking, and the drive to get there. I would rather be a part of the canvas. I want to enjoy the nature and the beautiful things in front of me to look at. I think that walking amongst the beautiful tall trees and smelling the wonderful smells was a refreshing part of the camping trip. I am not saying that things went all well but all in all each time I go out camping and being in nature I am so thankful to God for all the wonderful things that he has created that we can enjoy. Then I went onto the Santa Cruz boardwalk right on the ocean. I have to say that the most beautiful place for me to ever go is the ocean. I love to sit on the beach with my shoes off and run my feet through the sand and enjoy the waves crashing on the shore. Then I close and my eyes and hear the calming sound of the ocean and the waves. It is so peaceful to me and that is what I remember most about the camping trip. Am I a better person for have gone? Yes, I have to say that I had a relaxing weekend and got to see some beauty along with it.

Dealing with Changes in the Plan

The reason for this rant as I have com to call my thoughts is the thoughtlessness of some people when it comes to changing the plans and then not telling the ones who made the original plans. Here comes the main rant. When you make a plan to go somewhere and you plan out everything about that trip then a person in the group decides to change the plan but doesn't tell you then that is a problem. Here is what happened, I am going on a camping trip with my daughter's girl scout troop. We had a planning meeting to discuss who was going and how we were going to get the gear to the campground. Everything seemed to be set and it looked like things were going to work out just right. We were going to have enough rides and all the gear along with the food and supplies were going to fit into all the cars. Then we show up to do the grocery shopping for the trip and one of the participants just casually mentions that one of the main cars for carrying the equipment is not going to be there. Why this could not have been mentioned a lot sooner I have no idea. Then to leave all the rest of the pieces for our leader to pick up is just plain stupid. I guess to this person preparing ahead is not really an option and thinking about oneself instead of the greater good for the group is not even a thought in the mind. I really don't understand how we could have gotten there if it wasn't for me stepping up and trying to find a solution. You see I didn't feel like it was the leader's total responsibility to handle everything. I think sometimes we mothers take for granted that we have a leader and she is just going to take care of everything. She is only one person and sometimes even she needs a break. I am just really tired of everyone in the troop taking our leader for granted. I think it is time to step up and tell her how important that she really is and how much we really appreciate her. I really feel that this weekend is probably the time to do it. I think in fact that I am going to bring that up to the group and see if we can take some time to tell her how much she is appreciated. I have also come to feel that there are some in the troop who are just really not on board with the way humanity works. You do for people and they do for you. Some people are just out for themselves and could care less about the common good. So I end this rant with one thought, Let's try to appreciate all that a people in our life do for us and thank them each and everyday for the people that they are.

Well, I watched the whole Michael Jackson memorial today and I had a thought. If we do this for just a person then what should we do for God. We make so many excuses as to what we can't do for him. We are too busy, we just don't understand the Bible, or well since we can't see him then he won't notice. Well, I have been thinking a lot about this and I don't know of any time in anyone's life other than Jesus where they died and rose again. God created the universe and everyone that lives on the earth. He all gave us talents and gifts that we can use for his glory. For Michael Jackson, he gave him the talent to sing and entertain. To other people such as me, he gave the gift of empathy and mercy so that I can feel what other people need and provide the emotional support. I just look at all the people who are swooning and going crazy over just a man. How much more can we do for God or how much more should we do for God who died and rose again so that we might live eternally. Thanks be to God the saver of my soul!

Where do you go from your mistakes?

Well, I went through what I would call the last ten years from hell and I have to say that I don't really know if I have truly come out of the last ten years in a good place or a bad place. I think the one thing that I have found to be true is that once you make a mistake one, two, three, four, or even five you can't truly come out from that in a human perspective. Let me explain, I have a problem with money and I feel that I have had this problem since I was about 16. This is when I first got a job and opened up a savings account. I was always looking to what was in there and wishing I could take money out and go shopping. I was always looking for a better job to make more money. I kept it in check until after my first child. I don't know what broke in me but I think I just couldn't keep it in check. I really feel that it was the first credit card that I got. That sense of credit that I could charge now and pay later made me feel that I could just buy whatever I want and then pay for it later. Well, what I didn't quite realize is that once you charge and charge and charge, it gets harder to pay it off. I ran credit cards up without my husbands knowledge, shopped and spent money we didn't have, and eventually took money from an employer that I worked for. I could have gone to jail. To be honest, it is hard to get out of thinking that I am a horrible person who will never be able to change. It also doesn't help to be reminded by everyone of what your faults are. It is just so hard to change and want to move on with life and then just here all the things you did wrong in a list. I want to feel that I have gotten better but to tell you the truth, there are days that I just go backwards and in my old ways and then I have a husband and mother in law who worry and remind me that I have faults and need to watch it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I love my husband and he is my soul mate but I also know that he doesn't trust me. In fact, I feel as if I have committed adultery. I feel as if I am under a microscope everyday and to tell you the truth, I am so tired. The only time I don't feel tired is when I am at school and asleep. I think the reason I am so hard on myself at school to earn good grades and do everything I can is so that I can feel like a success. I want so hard for someone to feel proud of me just once since all the stuff went down. I look at my life and for the first time I just want to be a success. I think the last time I truly felt like I was actually a success is when I got married and was still a virgin. Even after having both of my kids, yes I am proud that I was able to go through labor and not freak out like everyone expected me to, but even then I had so many things go awry. I am just wanting to graduate from this program and be a success. So, I am ending this first blog with a promise to continue to write how I am feeling. I want the world to know especially if there are those who have been through this situation to know that I have been there and continue to go through this. Hang in with me and I will try to work these things out. I feel that a blog is just the right kind of forum for me to start and tell the story of where I have come from and where I intend to go.